Sea of Thoughts......

The Grestest Pain

2009-11-20T15:24:00.000-08:00

When I was young, I was in love with poems, I wrote them, collected them and treat them as my pearls of wisdom in life. Today, I was playing DOTA with my friends, and I know that they don't mean it, but me being the only female in the group, they unknowingly left me out. I don't know why, but this feeling felt really bad. It is the same as being stabbed in the back and this is not the first time. I've never told anyone but, this is why I stopped playing with them for a while.
Being hurt, made me thought of a poem which I once read, and I reflect upon its contents and what it is trying to express. The sentence which is emblaze in my heart goes like this,

"The greatest pain in life, is not to die, but to be ignored and forgotten."

How true indeed, maybe I cared about them and treat them as my friends, but probably to them, I might just be a playing partner who occasionally tag along when there is a lack of players. I did tried my best, but it was not enough. To them, I will always be a female and a lousy player. How ironic the fact is.

Throughout the whole game, I was angry. Really, really boiling with a capital B. What is happening with me? I am confused, why am I reacting so aggressively? It is really so painful in the heart sometimes that my defences came up to protect myself.

2012

2009-11-18T15:56:00.001-08:00

Yesterday night, I tagged along with my friends to watch the newly released disaster film '2012'. Mind, I am not a big fan of disaster film if I might say so, mainly is because I tend to think a lot, and I think DEEP.

True to my prediction, after the movie, I was dumbfounded. I don't care about those people who are saying that the movie didn't lived up to their expectations, but to me, it is so FREAKING real. During the movie, I kinda had a feeling that the floor is going to crack and we are going to go WAY down sooner or later. This movie, I tell you kids, is a reflection of cold, hard fact. No sugaring around the truth and fairytales to make the story more bearable.

I sometimes ponder, is our world really coming to an end? I am a Christian, I know that God has a way for all of us but, how does it feels to die when the judgement day finally come? Do we just close our eyes and everything blacks out just like the lights of our brains is switched off? Does it hurts? All of these thoughts kept pestering me the whole night. 2012? Really too early if you ask me. I haven't lived my life to the fullest yet.

There used to be a very popular question around the net, it goes like this,

"What would you do today if you knew that you were going to die tomorrow?"

My answer?

"I don't know."

Early in the morning

2009-10-25T00:18:00.000-07:00

Here I am doing nothing in the morning writing on blogger.
What am I doing up so early on a Sunday morning? Can't sleep the whole night cos of gastric pain, and I thought I was really healthy compared to my friend who has athsma attacks during the night. Guess my stomach is starting to hate me again.
If I could talk to it, you know what I would do?

I would ask it,
Dear stomach, could you tell me what's upsetting you?
I have tried everything from drinking water, taking gastric meds to finally,
Dad's old trusted calcium tablet and still you throw a tantrum and rip me of my sleep.

Found out something new today,
apparently winter is coming and daylight saving time is on again~
that means 8 hours apart from Malaysia.
The weather is really getting colder and I am starting to find that I lack of clothes...
...and money to shop =/

Anyway, still, pray that my passport will come back soon,
hopefully this week.

Difference between us ...

2009-01-19T12:00:00.000-08:00

It has finally dawned on me ... the difference between us. The gap so small yet wide enough to separate me from you. I don't hate you, it is not your fault, it is where you came from. But do you know how much i have suffered because of this difference? I thought we could overlook this gap, overlook everything because our love would be strong enough to carry us both, but tonight, i finally realised, maybe things between us aren't meant to be.

When a loved one is sick...

2008-12-13T02:15:00.000-08:00

Ever had the experience of watching someone you loved so dearly fall ill? I have lots of these experience and trust me, all of them are tormenting. It is not the part about them falling ill which makes me suffer so much, it is the part where you see them in pain and would like to do something to help them to relieve the pain, but alas, there was nothing you could do. This feeling of helplessness is what makes me so mad.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little prayer:
Dear God,
Listen to the prayer of a helpless girl
Kneeling here on the floor
I pray to you with all my heart
Please protect the one that i love
And make my loved one well again
I would give you anything in return
Be it my knowledge
Be it my memories
Be it my life
Take it all
If and only if
my loved one is well again.

The Heart ...

2008-08-18T05:03:00.000-07:00

Just how big is a human heart? Can one person fall for two person at the same time? The saying always say, follow your heart ~ but ... is my heart blind? Why is it always leading me into confusing situation even itself cannot handle? Why would it dive into a sea when it know that it will be killed? I am so confused right now ... this is all just so wrong!!!

The Friendship Bubble~

2008-06-16T03:43:00.000-07:00

Nana, what a beautifully structured series. I never knew about this movie until recently, and i did not regret taking the time to see this 50 episodes long anime series. True, there is a real life one, but the stories are pretty much the same, but all the fans out there, they will not missed the chance to refresh their memories through this all time favorite.
A guy friend commented when i started watching that Nana was a lesbian movie. I want to tell him that he was wrong. This is nothing near there. Many thinks that it is about punk and stuffs like that, but that is just a small part of the story. This story unfolds the beauty of friendship between two girls with the same name, so pure, so touching, so true. What are friends for? It does not mean that when we need someone we are weak. It does not mean that when we like a girl, we are homosexual. It is all so wrong. Why has our thinking become so distorted?
I used to wonder, why do i feel so hurt when others have plans of their own while i always seem to have them in my schedule? After watching this movie, i realized that, it is because i felt unwant. 'The greatest pain in life, is not to die, but to be forgotten.' How true these words are. This movie taught me a lot, it is ok to feel like that, that's what friends are for.
Secrets can break a friendship just as how easily a needle can burst a bubble. Friendships are beautiful like bubbles, reflecting rainbows through their shiny surface at the touch of sunlight, but beautiful things are vulnerable, friendships are hard to maintain. That is why, i was never greedy, all i want from God, is just one, true friend. Amen.

The truth...

2008-05-15T23:08:00.000-07:00

I interrogated him today. He deny telling her in the first place. However, he said that he told another guy, and he does not know the girl. Doesn't he knows that once the secret is out, the wind will come and sweep it away, and all is lost, as wherever the wind travels, there the secret will go. I really don't know what i feel now...angry? No, that's not right. Sad?? No either. Guess human feelings are just too complicated to be understood.

A sense of Betrayal...

2008-05-15T09:10:00.000-07:00

I have been betrayed. I have not really make the situation clear but with what little information i know, i felt it, the dreaded sense of being betrayed by someone close. I know that I should never jump to conclusions, there must be a reason why he does this. However, I just can't help feeling a gushing sense of anger trying to erupt. What should I do? Scold him? Ask him? Or forget the whole thing and never trust him anymore? I felt so angry, because I trusted him so much.
I kept his secret like a mystery never to be known to others, I was tempted to tell, to gossip, but I didn't. When he shared it with me, I was really so happy, because I favor the thought that he treat me as a true friend and trusted me. Therefore, I trusted him and told him one of my secret just to be fair. I made him promise never to tell anyone. He said yes. I should have known better. He was a blab. A gossip. Whenever there are hot gossips, he would sure to be the one to know.
How did I know he cannot keep his promise? Well, my friend, just a little information for you, the world is a very small place, and one after another person, the gossip would soon be back in my own ears. Though it is not really a VERY big secret, but I learnt my lesson.Never trust anyone with secrets that you do not want others to know.
I have never trusted anyone with my deepest secret before, because I am afraid. Deep down, I am really afraid. And this is exactly what I am afraid of. Did he ever treat me as a true friend? OR am I just another source of gossip for him? Taking notes of my every word and telling everybody about it...Do you ever think about me when you blab? My hurt feelings when I know? I really misread you my friend, guess I could only blame myself for trusting you, but let me tell you something, the moment you open your mouth and spill out my secret, you can kiss my trust GOODBYE.

Time Travelling...

2008-05-14T14:17:00.001-07:00

Have you readers ever watched the japanese series titled 'Proposal Daisakusen' before? See the picture above, in the story, the guy, second right, regrets that he was not able to marry the girl that he has liked since high school (the one beside him) because he did not confess his love to her. So, during the girl's marriage, he wished and wished that he could go back to the past to change it. Guess what? He got his wish. Apparently, the God in the movie gave him the power to return to the past, but there is a catch. He can only return to the time when the pictures shown were taken, and be it good or bad, he has the chance to take the picture one more time. So, as a result, he tried and tried, one picture after another, and he blew his chances again and again, Until the last photo, he asked the girl a question, "Have you ever done anything you regret in life before?" And the girl said, "Yes, but without the past, there is no me today." After hearing that, the boy decided to dropped the intention of changing the past. And as for what happened in the end, you readers really have to watch it yourself to know!!
After finishing this movie, i really ponder a lot. What the girl said was really reasonable. We always think that, oh, how i wish i hadn't done this in the past. Oh, i regret doing this, oh i regret doing that. However, have you guys ever thought that having taken that wrong step or doing that wrong action, we are actually contributing to what we are now? Without learning those painful lessons, can we face the world and challenges as we can right now? Can we think like how we think right now?
For me, i think that past will always be the past, like we always said, been there done that. Right now, our future is what really matters because we still have the power to decide what we want our future to form into. Have a dream that never become reality? Have someone that you loved dearly but never let the him or her know your true feelings? Don't hesitate, as time waits for no one. It is better to take the risk because these are actually what spices life up! What is life without a little risk? Without the things that unfold gradually without our knowing? There are a lot of things that i regret in life but after learning my lessons, i can say one thing...Come what may, I am ready for you again, Life.

Another Crossroad...

2008-05-14T13:57:00.000-07:00

Yet another crossroad of my life. It seems like ages since i have to decide what major i would take and which university i will go to. Now, after completing my second year, i have to make another decision on which university in the UK i will complete my final year in.
Actually, i have already decided on the University of Sunderlands since i have friends there and it is on the outskirt so living costs won't be as expensive as compared to London. However, today, the university placement consultant of my school told me that when i study accounting and finance, both the subjects of audit and taxation are really important and neither Oxford Brookes nor Sunderlands offer these subjects. And she told me that the only school which accepts final year transfer students and offers these two subjects is Middlesex University located in London.
Now, that got me really confused. If it is as said that these two subjects are important, why doesn't Oxford Brookes or Sunderlands include it in their syllabus? What would happen to the students studying there then? I am really undecided now because i have made plans to go to Sunderlands, and now along this bomb came and ruined everything for me. Can anybody tell me what should i do?? Are there any professionals out there who could help me?
I hate making decisions, especially ones that my future is dependant on. This is because one misstep could change my future forever, and i only have one life to live so i want to live it to the fullest...what should i do??? I really feel like screaming right now! Help!!!!

Elections!!!

2008-05-08T02:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was our school's election for student representative. Actually i never planned to go and vote since it is tedious work and plus i am lazy, as usual, haha! Anyway, what happened was, i had a change of mind, and together, with my friend, we trotted off towards the president hall where the voting was held.
When we got there, what happened was, we faced a big problem. When we were given the ballot to vote, we don't even know half of the names written there, imagine that! I whispered to my friend, "Hey, who are you voting for? I don't even recognise them, how am i even suppose to vote??" Then, we ended up ticking all the chinese names and familiar names that we saw on the paper. I guess we are being biased, but it is not like we have a choice, we don't even know who they are @.@
So, i was thinking...what happened to all those campaigning? Do they think that just by hanging silly banners around and having typical slogans like 'One person, one mission', or 'Let me be your voice!!' is going to help them gather votes? This is the worst campaigning and voting that i had ever seen. They need to convince us! To make us really believe that they are able to handle that responsibility! Not give us silly promises like faster internet, more provisions for the library to buy books, lowering of visa price, blah blah blah! To me, i will think that it is all nonsense unless i see some actions because every candidate seems to say the same thing. Boring!
So, today the results are out. And guess what? The people who are elected are those same faces again. Hmm, expected it, i guess. Due to the fact that nowadays most of the school elections are mostly based on popularity and not true skills and that. We, the sideliners are always afraid to enter this kind of things, so it always ended up being those people who are always seen and loud.
So, who is there to blame when this happens? Everyone has an equal chance to nominate themselves but is it true that everyone will also have an equal chance to win?

A Simple Poem

2008-05-05T08:20:00.000-07:00

Hey guys ~ wrote a little something about this funny photo that i took with my 'friend' at the airport while i was waiting for my flight, we were both running trying to catch up with the camera before the click...

Time passes by
by Laetitia Chung
We laugh, we cry, we run,
Fate brought us together,
but Time wants to break us apart.
Time is like a one-hundred meter runner,
forever running so fast,
we ran behind, reaching out,
but never have been able to touch more than the sleeve of Time.
"Stop!" we shouted.
All we wanted was one moment more,
but we never got an answer from Time,
apart from a faint echo.
So, now, we have no choice,
but to succumb to Time,
because 'we' will soon be no more...
as 'we' are slipping out of the picture,
Get ready for one last smile, one last laugh,
may this be our best ever,
as our hands slipped from grip,
Goodbye My Love...

The Good Samaritan......

2008-04-22T07:46:00.000-07:00

Ever heard of the story of 'The Good Samaritan' in the bible where a Samaritan helps a stranger without stopping to think about the difference in religion, race or culture at all. I thought that everyone would be like that too, and boy was i more naive than anyone had ever imagined. It was like a cold, hard smack to the face.
I have been in a foreign place for almost one and a half year now and i thought that being a stranger in a foreign place would earn me a privilege to engage the help of other locals around here. However, that is not the treatment that i get here. I learn that for everything you really have to fight for it yourself. Nobody will take pity on you. I thought everybody was like Mummy and Daddy, nice, caring and forgiving. Well, for you guys who haven't figure out the harsh reality yet, here is some experience from me who learn my lesson the hard way.
The first bad apple that i met was during my registration into first semester at college. I will not mention any names here, so anyone whom i mentioned here, no hard feelings, ok? Just the brutal fact of life. This middle aged woman working at the registration counter was so rude to me who happens to be a customer of the university and just because that i didn't managed to bring along the required documents that they required, she actually has the nerves to ask me to go home and come again tomorrow!! Hello, this is fine if you pay for my air ticket, which i bet you are ignorant enough to neglect such an important thing. Typical of her!
The next red but extremely poisonous apple was when my friend got stuck in school and cant get home because he missed the bus. So, i asked another friend who has a car whether she could give him a lift, and guess what she said? "Oh, i do not have a car." Duh, her car is parked just below our apartment and i could see it clearly from the balcony. Girl, one advice, next time, try a better lie. As a result, my friend was stranded at school until the next day.
So, you see, the above are just a few examples that i handpicked from the lots that i have picked along the way. Can anyone tell me why do they act like that? To make other people hate them? To show that they are more superior? Or what??? I simply do not understand. Don't it feels good when you are nice to someone? Is that knowledge slowly deteriorating as our generation advanced?

I am back!

2008-04-07T00:20:00.000-07:00

Ok, everyone, after apparently disappearing from my blog after a year, i finally submerged!!! Hmm, university life has been like swimming in the ocean to me.
First, we are dumped into the ocean like a tin of fish and we must find the way ourselves. I swam and swam like crazy in order to keep afloat. Then, there are the bad guys Mr. Storm and Mrs. Lightning, who try to make our lives miserable. I cannot say that life has been a walk down the park for me, i lost my way, felt depressed, and missed home like crazy sometimes. Now i finally understand what do they mean by 'Home Sweet Home.'
At first i thought,"Wow, no more nagging from mummy and no more siblings argument for me!!" Yay!!! Total freedom!!! Yeah, that was fun for the first few months of my independant life, but i did not know that independance come with a lot of 'bonus' items where you have to practically do everything yourself such as wash your clothes, cook your own meals, wake up yourself, etc. That part was torture to me XD
Nowhere is better than home where you have someone to cater to your needs (Mummy & Daddy) and also someone to boss around (namely my younger sister!!) Haha! You can practically be the boss at home. When i came here, i was so naive that even you would not believe it. I thought that the world was a wonderful place and everybody was nice and friendly towards each other. Unfortunately, much to my dismay, i learnt the hard way that this is not true at all. Nope, not at all. In fact, i have met a total of three person whom i find their personality to be 'unpleasant'. I will share about my 'special encounters in my next posts^^
*Yawn* 3.30PM ~ Drifting to another faraway place ~~~

2006-12-02T05:03:00.000-08:00

I still have one more subjects left for spm and then I'm free.....am i happy??I kinda dont know......it's hard when i have to leave all my friends which have been together for six years now especially those from senior three Zhong XD I will definitely miss you guys...but our time still hasnt come yet, there's still our final trip to kl...I will cherish this time together...I promise.