The Grestest Pain

When I was young, I was in love with poems, I wrote them, collected them and treat them as my pearls of wisdom in life. Today, I was playing DOTA with my friends, and I know that they don't mean it, but me being the only female in the group, they unknowingly left me out. I don't know why, but this feeling felt really bad. It is the same as being stabbed in the back and this is not the first time. I've never told anyone but, this is why I stopped playing with them for a while.
Being hurt, made me thought of a poem which I once read, and I reflect upon its contents and what it is trying to express. The sentence which is emblaze in my heart goes like this,

"The greatest pain in life, is not to die, but to be ignored and forgotten."

How true indeed, maybe I cared about them and treat them as my friends, but probably to them, I might just be a playing partner who occasionally tag along when there is a lack of players. I did tried my best, but it was not enough. To them, I will always be a female and a lousy player. How ironic the fact is.

Throughout the whole game, I was angry. Really, really boiling with a capital B. What is happening with me? I am confused, why am I reacting so aggressively? It is really so painful in the heart sometimes that my defences came up to protect myself.

2012

Yesterday night, I tagged along with my friends to watch the newly released disaster film '2012'. Mind, I am not a big fan of disaster film if I might say so, mainly is because I tend to think a lot, and I think DEEP.

True to my prediction, after the movie, I was dumbfounded. I don't care about those people who are saying that the movie didn't lived up to their expectations, but to me, it is so FREAKING real. During the movie, I kinda had a feeling that the floor is going to crack and we are going to go WAY down sooner or later. This movie, I tell you kids, is a reflection of cold, hard fact. No sugaring around the truth and fairytales to make the story more bearable.

I sometimes ponder, is our world really coming to an end? I am a Christian, I know that God has a way for all of us but, how does it feels to die when the judgement day finally come? Do we just close our eyes and everything blacks out just like the lights of our brains is switched off? Does it hurts? All of these thoughts kept pestering me the whole night. 2012? Really too early if you ask me. I haven't lived my life to the fullest yet.

There used to be a very popular question around the net, it goes like this,

"What would you do today if you knew that you were going to die tomorrow?"

My answer?

"I don't know."

Early in the morning

Here I am doing nothing in the morning writing on blogger.
What am I doing up so early on a Sunday morning? Can't sleep the whole night cos of gastric pain, and I thought I was really healthy compared to my friend who has athsma attacks during the night. Guess my stomach is starting to hate me again.
If I could talk to it, you know what I would do?

I would ask it,
Dear stomach, could you tell me what's upsetting you?
I have tried everything from drinking water, taking gastric meds to finally,
Dad's old trusted calcium tablet and still you throw a tantrum and rip me of my sleep.

Found out something new today,
apparently winter is coming and daylight saving time is on again~
that means 8 hours apart from Malaysia.
The weather is really getting colder and I am starting to find that I lack of clothes...
...and money to shop =/

Anyway, still, pray that my passport will come back soon,
hopefully this week.

Difference between us ...

It has finally dawned on me ... the difference between us. The gap so small yet wide enough to separate me from you. I don't hate you, it is not your fault, it is where you came from. But do you know how much i have suffered because of this difference? I thought we could overlook this gap, overlook everything because our love would be strong enough to carry us both, but tonight, i finally realised, maybe things between us aren't meant to be.

When a loved one is sick...

Ever had the experience of watching someone you loved so dearly fall ill? I have lots of these experience and trust me, all of them are tormenting. It is not the part about them falling ill which makes me suffer so much, it is the part where you see them in pain and would like to do something to help them to relieve the pain, but alas, there was nothing you could do. This feeling of helplessness is what makes me so mad.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little prayer:
Dear God,
Listen to the prayer of a helpless girl
Kneeling here on the floor
I pray to you with all my heart
Please protect the one that i love
And make my loved one well again
I would give you anything in return
Be it my knowledge
Be it my memories
Be it my life
Take it all
If and only if
my loved one is well again.

The Heart ...

Just how big is a human heart? Can one person fall for two person at the same time? The saying always say, follow your heart ~ but ... is my heart blind? Why is it always leading me into confusing situation even itself cannot handle? Why would it dive into a sea when it know that it will be killed? I am so confused right now ... this is all just so wrong!!!

The Friendship Bubble~

Nana, what a beautifully structured series. I never knew about this movie until recently, and i did not regret taking the time to see this 50 episodes long anime series. True, there is a real life one, but the stories are pretty much the same, but all the fans out there, they will not missed the chance to refresh their memories through this all time favorite.
A guy friend commented when i started watching that Nana was a lesbian movie. I want to tell him that he was wrong. This is nothing near there. Many thinks that it is about punk and stuffs like that, but that is just a small part of the story. This story unfolds the beauty of friendship between two girls with the same name, so pure, so touching, so true. What are friends for? It does not mean that when we need someone we are weak. It does not mean that when we like a girl, we are homosexual. It is all so wrong. Why has our thinking become so distorted?
I used to wonder, why do i feel so hurt when others have plans of their own while i always seem to have them in my schedule? After watching this movie, i realized that, it is because i felt unwant. 'The greatest pain in life, is not to die, but to be forgotten.' How true these words are. This movie taught me a lot, it is ok to feel like that, that's what friends are for.
Secrets can break a friendship just as how easily a needle can burst a bubble. Friendships are beautiful like bubbles, reflecting rainbows through their shiny surface at the touch of sunlight, but beautiful things are vulnerable, friendships are hard to maintain. That is why, i was never greedy, all i want from God, is just one, true friend. Amen.